Almost Nobody Dances Sober, Unless They Are Insane
by tradition
Summary: Just a little one-shot based on the prompt: "a stripper has a day to reclaim a spell book". Poor Tenten, she always gets the short end of the stick.


"You want me to _what?!"_

Kakashi gave her a stern look and Tenten reeled in the attitude a little. The Hokage sighed. "I know it's an unorthodox request for you, but Konoha needs this book back as soon as possible."

"And this requires me to go undercover as an exotic dancer? Why me?" Tenten gestured to her whole self. "I know there are plenty of others who are much better suited to the job."

"Be that as it may, you're the first choice of the kunoichi who are actually available for the job." He tried to say it diplomatically, but Tenten was no stranger to reading between the lines.

"You mean literally everyone else is already on a mission," she said and then reconsidered. "Or pregnant." She thought of Ino, who was already terrorizing their entire peer group into multiple baby showers and shuddered.

"Mmm. You'll be escorted by your usual team to the rendezvous point, where you will infiltrate the club of the person who is in possession of the book and remove it without being caught. The team will be your backup if necessary, posing as clients of the club."

Tenten rubbed her eyes. "This is sounding worse and worse with every word, Hokage-sama. Why is it necessary to pose? Can't we just infiltrate when the club is closed? Surely you do not doubt our abilities?"

"Of course not, but it's imperative that this does not _seem_ like a shinobi job, but rather the work of regular thief."

"A thief who happens to be a stripper."

"Correct!" Kakashi smiled at her through his mask. "So you will also need to take some other valuable things to make it appear like a normal robbery, but I'll leave that up to your discretion."

"Can I just take the time now to mention that I can't dance?"

He shrugged. "It's a civilian club. You're a decent genjutsu user. Make it up when it's your turn to for tips."

Tenten sighed heavily. "I'm pretty sure this is _not_ what I signed up for when I entered the Academy."

"Pity, because that's what you've got. Neji is team leader in the field, but I'll leave it up to you to create the correct plan inside the club. Don't let Lee drink anything."

She rolled her eyes. "That goes without saying."

* * *

Lee's eyes were wide as she described the mission parameters to him, his eyebrows reaching his hairline by the time she was finished. "Tenten! This is most unusual! Are you sure that you can do this?"

Her face screwed up in anger and he stuttered out an apology, but she waved him off. "It's not a matter of being _able_ to do the mission, it's a matter of whether or not I want to humiliate myself in front of my teammates."

Neji smirked at her. "This should be entertaining."

Tenten scowled at him. "I'm tempted to go in without backup just so you don't see a goddamn thing, Hyuuga."

His smirk stayed in place. "Can't. I'm the field leader and that would be a terrible decision for your safety and it would also interfere with the completion of this _highly important_ mission."

She threw her hands up in the air in exasperation. "Ugh! I can't believe the Hokage couldn't find a single other kunoichi for this job! Isn't Anko around? She'd be perfect."

Lee answered her enthusiastically. "Anko-san would definitely like this mission!" Tenten and Neji eyed him suspiciously, wondering what he meant. "She has previously shown a great joy in removing her clothing!" Now they were really staring at him.

"Lee, are you and Anko …"

"What?" He looked at them guilelessly, his long lashes giving him the innocent appearance of a baby animal.

"Nevermind. I don't think I actually want to know." Tenten tried to clear her mind as they ran through the trees, intent on their destination. Too soon, they arrived and reconvened together on a high branch just on the outskirts of the town.

"You two will have to come to the club later tonight, after I secure a position there." She grimaced. "Neji, your eyes …"

He waved a hand. "I'll apply a low-level henge on myself and Lee, just enough to change us slightly. No need to waste chakra gratuitously."

"I wish I could do the same. I don't have the reserves or the control to maintain a henge and genjutsu for hours." She sighed. "This is why they should have sent Sakura. Then again, she wouldn't need one, I'm sure her hair color would be enough of a draw for this line of work."

Neji snorted. "Sakura has a worse temper than you do, Tenten. She'd destroy the first man who even looked wrongly at her. There's a reason she's on a demolition team almost consistently."

Lee nodded. "Sakura-san is truly a force to be reckoned with! But don't worry, Tenten! Your youthful beauty will shine through to make this mission successful!"

Tenten sighed again, looked around and then dropped to the ground, standing behind the tall oak. She unsealed her travel scroll and dug through her bag for the scraps of clothing she had brought to change into, looking at them with sadness. She wouldn't be able to hide _any_ weapons in these. She took down her long hair and fanned it out and hurriedly undressed and redressed, securing a long cloak over her tiny garments.

Tenten whistled a signal to Neji to let him know she was departing and listened for his answering call before leaving. She strode into the town with the kind of confidence she thought an attractive stripper might have, which wasn't so different from her normal confidence in her own abilities. _Maybe this won't be so bad after all_.

* * *

Tenten was eating her words as Ushijima, the oily-looking club owner, ordered her to take off her cloak and audition for him. She tried not to seem too reluctant as she unclasped it from around her shoulders and stood before him in a gold bikini she had borrowed from Ino. The blonde kunoichi had burst into tears when she asked, crying about never being able to fit into something so tiny again. Tenten had tried to be comforting, as she was certainly used to tears, having spent years with Lee and Gai-sensei. Still, she couldn't help but be jealous of a pregnant woman who didn't have to pretend to be a stripper.

She was glad of the low lighting, as it wouldn't be as easy for him to see her scars. Being a weapons mistress didn't leave anyone unscathed. Tenten gave him her best interpretation of a smoldering look over her shoulder as she quickly ran through the hand seals of a genjutsu that would entice him enough to hire her.

She was highly tempted to just go looking for the damned book now, while he was distracted. Tenten saw him tense on his ugly couch, getting more and more excited by what he was seeing. _Ugh, disgusting._ She felt a presence of higher level chakra coming toward the office and hurriedly ended the jutsu, posing as sexily as she was able to integrate his memories with the reality. An enormous man yanked open door and stepped inside, looking at her suspiciously.

"Everything all right in here, boss?"

Ushijima was dazed, but happy. "Yeah, of course. Just tryin' out one of our new girls, Ryota."

Tenten dimpled at the new man, determined to not be grossed out by the whole situation until after she could get away. "Does that mean I'm hired, Ushijima-sama?"

"After that performance? Of course, of course! Come back tonight, ready to make some money, baby." She bowed to him and tried to gracefully reclasp her cloak, but the pin was stuck. Ryota was in front of her with one swift step, ostensibly to help her out. She glanced up at him with a blank look on her face, before smiling prettily. "Thank you, Ryota-san. It sticks like that from time to time."

He grunted, still suspicious of her. _Shit, he can sense chakra even if he's still nominally a civilian. I can't do genjutsu on stage if he's there_. _Fuck fuck fuck_.

She took her leave and wandered through the town, deeply in thought. If she couldn't use genjutsu to perform tonight, she was going to have to _really_ dance and it would be an embarrassing disaster. It would be so much easier if she could just take out her battle axe and plow through the crowd that way.

Tenten groaned. There was no way out, was there? Konoha better be damned grateful she was so patriotic.

She arrived back at the club just before opening, dressed to dance, even if she was quivering inside. _This is going to be a nightmare._ Tenten was still holding out hope that Ryota would be miraculously indisposed, but he was nearly the first person she saw. He grumpily waved her to the backstage area, where there were several women who were wearing very little, fluffing their hair and doing their makeup. She took the time to scope out the rest of the club area, noting a slightly hidden set of stairs that she assumed led to the office she was in yesterday as well as a number of empty rooms that had suspiciously homey interiors.

A perky redhead bounced up to her cheerfully. "Hey there! Are you new? I'm Mayu"

Tenten tried for a confident smile and probably failed. "Yeah, just hired today. I'm Madoka."

The woman cracked her gum and smiled. "Don't look so scared, honey. We all gotta start somewhere." She whispered to Tenten loudly. "But don't let the others see that you're nervous. We all compete for tips here, ya know. They'll be all too happy for you to fail."

She shrugged. "I'll do my best."

Mayu clapped her on the back, hard. "Good girl!" She wandered back into the fray of women, who were all placing finishing touches on their looks. When the announcements started, Tenten peeked through the curtains and immediately spotted Neji and Lee, seated vaguely disguised. Neji was slouching indolently and Lee was looking entirely too excited to be there. _One out of two isn't bad. Being excited in a strip club isn't unusual, anyway_.

Tenten watched as one-by-one the girls were called out on stage by name and performed very admirably. _Some of these girls could be kunoichi, with their flexibility._

She tensed when she heard the DJ announce, "Give it up for the newest angel in Seventh Heaven, it's Madoka~!" She forcibly relaxed herself and took a deep breath, chanting a manta. _It's a mission and it will be over soon, it's a mission and it will be over soon …_

She flung the curtain aside with a flourish and the sincerest sultry smile she could manage. From the wolf whistles and shouts, Tenten thought she might have been relatively successful. _Okay girl, you can do this. It's only one dance._ She made the mistake of glancing over to where her teammates were and saw Lee gaping without shame. Neji's false eyes had widened, but that was his only reaction.

She smirked and sauntered over to the middle of the stage as the music changed from one unrecognizable song to another. Tenten saw Ryota staring straight at her and cursed her terrible luck as she basically attempted a sexy, more fluid version of fencing katas, punctuating them with body rolls that strained the strings of her borrowed bikini. She desperately kept moving until the song was over, trying to keep her mind blank and her body fluid. Finally, _finally_ , another woman was announced and she grabbed a tray of drinks to move among the crowd of men.

Tenten tried not to make a beeline for Neji and Lee, her supposed "back up", but it was a near thing. After chatting quickly with a rather handsome businessman who slipped his card into her top, she approached her teammates casually.

"Looking for some fun tonight, boys?"

Lee's eyes were ready to fall out and Neji cuffed him on the back of the head lightly. "Only if you don't mind sharing."

Tenten laughed, not entirely falsely. She had forgotten how intense Neji got about undercover operations. "Whatever you want, _baby_." She leaned forward, straining her strings again and whispered in his ear, "No chakra, the boss's bodyguard can sense it."

Neji smiled and nodded at her in answer, tucking some ryo into the side of bikini bottoms. "You're more than worth it." He motioned to Lee and she leaned against him to whisper the same thing. He was frozen as her barely clad breasts brushed against his chest and it was only with a warning look from Neji that he hesitantly placed some money into the other side of her bikini, which she helpfully held out for him. _Honestly, it's like he's never seen a woman in a bathing suit before_.

"I'll come back to _render services_ , boys. Don't leave without me." Tenten winked at Lee and left to circulate with her tray of drinks with the rest of the clients, under the watchful eye of Ryota and the other bodyguards, all of whom seemed to have civilian levels of chakra. She tried to keep an eye on her teammates as they politely fended off the other dancers who were circulating, giving tips but not accepting anything else.

She nearly dropped the drink she was handing to an elderly gentleman when she saw Mayu sensually lean into Neji's lap and pull him down in for a heavy kiss. Tenten couldn't help but smirk as she saw him dazedly give Mayu money and then she turned her attention back to the man she was previously flirting with.

As the night wore on, she mingled her heart out and made more money than she was going to get for taking on this stupid, god-forsaken mission in the first place. When Ryota was called outside to break up a disturbance, she made her move.

Tenten set down her tray next to an chatty, large-nosed man with wandering hands and walked away from him without another word, approaching Neji and Lee again with bright eyes and a devious smile. "Hello again, boys! Are you ready for me?"

Lee gulped and blinked rapidly while Neji smirked at her familiarly. "Sure, but I get to go first." _He's getting way too into this role_.

She simpered and grabbed his hand, leading him in the direction of the rooms she had seen backstage. The bouncer they passed just gave her an indulgent look and nodded approvingly at Neji. Once they were safely behind the door, she dropped his hand as if it were a venomous snake and glanced around. She nodded toward the hidden stairs and they crept up to the office, where Ushijima's safe was badly hidden.

"It's like he wants everything to be stolen."

"Can you open it?"

Tenten rolled her eyes. "Like there's ever been a safe I can't crack or a lock I can't pick." Within moments, the door was open and they stared at the contents with disbelief. She reached out a shaking hand to withdraw the rare special edition copy of _Icha Icha Warfare_.

In a deadly voice, she said, "Neji."

He answered with a wary look at her face and a step back. "Yes?"

"I'm going to murder our dear beloved Hokage."


End file.
